Piss-Off Ft. Lauderdale

Last weekend saw another great Piss-Off competition at the Ft. Lauderdale International Boat Show, where the Europeans, Asians, and Antipodeans once again attempted to wrest the trophy away from long-time champions the USA.

In the land of silicone and testosterone, beer belly and Botox, avid boat builders proudly displayed their latest attempts at producing the most noticeable, noisy, and antisocial air conditioning water discharge possible.

Bonus points were awarded if the discharges were ridiculously undersized and so high that they could fill up a neighbor's dinghy or piss on to a dock and into the cockpit of the vessel on the other side.

RESULTS:

Last - Poorest performers of all were those kill-joy Europeans who seem to prefer not to join in the fun and actually want to hide their discharges underwater. I guess that in a way this adds an element of uncertainty as to whether the pump is working or the strainer is clogged, thereby introducing some mystery to the on-board experience.

Next - Those crafty American sports-fish builders seem to be in cahoots with each other. They all seem to route their discharges to nicely fashioned outlets in the transom where it pours out gently making a wonderfully soothing sound not unlike a babbling brook. All very pleasant and soporific, and definitely not what we were looking for.

Runners Up - There were plenty of middle-of-the-creek entries. These discharges were above the boot-stripe but not enough effort was made to create any significant noise or inconvenience. Seen on many types of vessels from both international and North American builders, they showed a distinct lack of imagination and creativity.

Disqualified - This entry was seen with a "diverter" installed during judging, otherwise it would have been a front runner. What were they thinking? The device was intricately crafted from a plastic hose 90 fitting with copious wrappings of electrical tape to ensure a good fit. One trusts that it did not dislodge and fill up a prospective purchasers' footware or douse their precious pooch.

The Winner! - Step up and take a bow you small/medium American boat builder you. The perfect pisser to piss off your neighbor! This was a brash, “look at me” entry that defied all common sense; a perfect blend of the sublime and the ridiculous. Noisy and noticeable with good height and excellent distance, and most definitely a dinghy filler-upper that is well worthy of the top prize.

What boat owner would not want to show off this pretty little pisser at every opportunity?